The Things I Hide Within
by garnetroze
Summary: <html><head></head>I need somewhere to go to, I'm just so stressed out with life right now. I don't want to talk to the guys and bother them so I've decided to just jot down what's going on in this journal. I hope this helps...-James</html>
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so this is my first time writing any kind of fan fiction what so ever let alone being a btr one...a band I recently got into on January 15th of this year, but thanks to a certain friend of mine ~cough cough~ I decided to try my hand at it. XP so go ahead and read it please! this is in the form of a journal (James's journal) but really it's Kendall reading it. it may seem boring or repeat themes and such but try to stick with it, it's got a good plot I've been told...~shakes from nerves~ hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush even though the boys are locked up in my closet...poo lol  
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><p><strong>March 10th<strong>

I've decided I needed to start writing things, feelings and such, down because in all honesty I'm starting to get overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now. Sometimes I miss the days before the band and the fame, when I was just plain old nobody James. I lived in a normal home with my parents and went to school without having tons of screaming girls promising their undying love to me and the guys didn't yell out derogatory homosexual terms at me.

But here, in this overpopulated and crowded city I'm miles away from everyone I used to know (except the guys of course) so I feel utterly exposed in a way. All my moves, even every facial tick, are open to the public to critique and guess at the secret meanings behind it and ready to label me as something just for a weeks worth of gossip and publishing to sell their magazines. They place all these expectations on my shoulders; be healthy, be a good role model, stay fit, be a ladies man, be classy, be a good musician, make hit songs, and so on. Who wouldn't feel trapped under all those expectations?

And I know I probably sound like a whining teen celebrity all bratty and what not. But they really have a basis of truth when they complain about it because I find myself working out every day to keep my body fit in between doing things for the band, signing autographs for the fans, keeping up my studies, and eating and sleeping. But I don't mind staying fit because I want to be healthy, who wouldn't, and since I'm provided the resources to keep my body in shape I should-and often times do- take advantage of it.

I don't mind being in shape or desirable as some might say…I wish I was desirable to a certain someone and not all these prissy girls who don't know a single thing about me. I'm sure if they did none of them would want to be with me in a romantic way. Well maybe some would, the crazy girls who go for guys like me. It's flattering having all those girls lust after me; it's a wonderful ego boost when I'm feeling down. But I feel so dissatisfied and that's probably because the one person I truly wish would want me is…well, this is hard to say, hard to admit to myself even on paper but I can't hide it from myself.

The person I really wish would desire me, my body, and my soul is none other than the pretty blonde head himself, Kendall Knight. But with everyone showing pretty clear signs that these feelings are wrong and are a sin against nature I find myself feeling disgusted sometimes. It's quite the inner turmoil since half of my being focusing solely on him, watching his movements, listening to everything that he says, noting it all. Every inflection he puts on words and the way his muscles slightly flex when he does something is stored away in that one section of my head that allows me to accept how I feel.

On the other hand, the one influenced by the main stream I feel ashamed. I'm a guy and guys are supposed to like girls. They don't fall for their best friend slash band mate who they share a room with! I get thrills and revulsions every time I find my mind wondering what it'd be like to feel his hands roaming the expanses of my body. Part of the reason I try to stay so fit isn't for the screaming girls, it's so that if I ever get my chance with him I can give him something beautiful. I can be the handsome guy he wants.

This morning I had to excuse myself from breakfast because I let my mind wonder way too far and wound up with a little problem in the nether regions. I can't even imagine the guys finding out why James Jr. was standing at attention. Or worse, Kendall knowing what indecent thoughts and pictures that debut in my mental picture show that airs on a daily basis.

I can't help but feel like a fake sometimes though. How can I sing about being your self and living life up because it's so short but yet half of me is hidden from absolutely everyone? I even tried to hide it from myself for the longest time. But that got way too tiring so I decided I'd at least admit it to myself. Take out one person that I don't have to lie to. Too bad that person was the only one who knew the truth anyhow. I'm trapped in my mind with a longing for something that's absolutely untouchable. I'm afraid to tell any one else because I'm terrified of being harassed or criticized for something completely out of my control.

I keep telling myself it's just a phase, just a crush that'll go away sooner or later. But of course I know that that's just a lie meant to make the sting of seeing him with Jo or talking about her worse. Take the edge off by the thought of the feelings fading away sometime. Looking forward to the days where he can tell me about their make-out sessions and I won't get absolutely jealous. It's my way out of the pain, like cutting or drugs only less harmful….maybe.

Maybe putting off the inevitable truth will only make it so much more painful when I let realizations hit me. Maybe it'll tear me apart so bad that I will resort to those more harmful and addictive pain relievers.

Well, time to go. I'm absolutely exhausted after finally ridding my confused brain of all these endless thoughts and worries and I have to get up early tomorrow to get ready for a shoot with the boys.

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><p><strong>Bwahahaha! This is the beginning of your newest addiction :3 Don't you just love me for feeding your anti-social, always on the internet tendencies? Lol of course you do! Write a comment or something to let me know you read it. Oh and if you can think of a better title for this story I'm all ears! O.O Loves to all! <strong>


	2. March 13th

**Well guys, here is the second section of James' journal. I hope that I used your guys' advice and fixed it. Like, is it more…manly or whatever? Ahhh I hope you guys like it…~runs away and hides around a corner while you read the story~ I've got quite a bit of the story wrote up, it's just a matter of typing it up and more importantly finding an internet source so I can post it. Right now, with being in school, I can usually go to my friend's (Dancing on Water) house and upload, but after school is out it'll be harder for me to post. But I shall find a way! hehe XD**

**Disclaimer: Even though James and Kendall are tied to my bed, I do not own them…yet bwahahahaha**

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><p>March 13th<p>

I can't believe them! They're all so selfish; you'd think they were the ones living out here in Cali. They're certainly acting like all of the backstabbing assholes that run around up here in the upper suburbs …I found out today from my mom via a fucking email that her and dad are divorcing. Can you believe she didn't have the decency to even call me; she was so cowardly to face me that she emailed it to me? You'd think that a loving mother would at least break some news of this sort over the phone, but no not my mom. It's been a little while since I'd seen either of them, but back then everything seemed pretty fine. So how the hell did they get so far apart in such a small amount of time? It's all moms' fault, I know it is. I talked to both of them, got both of their stories and have come up with what I feel is pretty close to the truth: One night mom and dad got into a fight and mom kept pushing dad's buttons further and further, something I know from experience she's pretty damn good at. Mom swears up and down he almost choked her to death but based on what dad said (and my own knowledge of dad's character) he just griped her arm a little harder than he probably should have and pushed her down into a chair so he could leave and calm down. Now I'm not saying that that was right, I don't agree with laying hands on a girl, but if slightly using a little force to get one out of your way keeps you from bashing their face in to a wall, then in my opinion it is the best possible way to go. Turns out mom had been stashing cash in a separate bank account and the minute that he did that she took out the money, rented an apartment, and filed for divorce. What a horrible bitch of a wife. What happened to trust in marriage?

Oh crap, gotta go work on a recording with Gustavo, the last thing I really want to do right now but I've kinda signed my soul to him-practically. Write later I guess…

Around midnight:

Anyway so now mom's out on her own and dad's completely distraught because he doesn't know what went wrong and caused her to leave him. The poor guys is pretty much coming undone all because she's a money grabbing…..The whole thing's an utter mess, to say the least, if you ask me and I can't help but get a massively bitter taste in my mouth whenever I talk or even think about my mother. I mean, I'll always love her, of course, because she is my mom and all but I really can't stand her and who she is becoming. I can't wrap my mind around what is going through her mind right now.

I didn't tell any of the guys and I really don't feel like telling them. I don't need their pity…I know I'm supposed to enjoy the spotlight and attention (no such thing as bad publicity right?) but I really don't feel like having them look at me like I'm some poor child with a woe-is-me complex. I'm strong and I'll get through it on my own. If there is anything I can't stand its people pitying me and treating me like I'm some fragile child who can't so much as get something to eat for myself. I'm seventeen for god's sake I think I've figured out how to take care of myself by now. I won't even allow myself to cry over it. I know that might sound stupid-and I know that all those weird shrinks who think they know everything about how your feeling would say that it will only lead to self-destructive behavior (everything leads to self-destructive behavior anymore!),-but crying just shows to many signs and when you live in a house full of people; one of them is bound to notice.

Especially Kendall.

He's probably one of the most observant guys I've ever met. And if he wouldn't notice then Logan would and he would tell Kendall. I definitely don't need Kendall of all people treating me like a big baby. But enough of that, my blood pressure is rising and I'm getting really pissed and I'm tired of thinking of my mom and her whole drama she started. As far as I'm concerned right now, that's their problem all the way out in Minnesota and I need to stay focused on what is going on out here in Cali with the guys and the band.

As far as Kendall news: Nothing out of the normal really. Last night I woke up from quite a pleasant dream about Mr. Knight and to my horror I found myself sticky. It's been some time since I'd had a wet dream. But now it seems like every time I do it involves Kendall in the leading role. Whenever I get caught, usually by the blonde one himself, it's easy for me to just play it off and make up a story about a hot girl and an intimate setting somewhere. Honestly, the only thing that I usually **have** to lie about is who it is that I was dreaming about. Sometimes I get the urge to just tell him the truth, forget about trying to come up with lie after stupid freaking lie to satisfy their questions. When I think of coming out though I get an intense adrenaline rush or wind up in a mini panic attack and can't push out the words. Even just thinking about telling them makes my breathing start going crazy. Maybe it's for the best though…

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><p><strong>So there you go. Poor poor James! lol Let me know what you thought about it of course. I'm pretty happy with the story name so thank you KxJ luver for suggesting it! So…~starts announcing questions about the story in a cheesy soap opera voice~ I shall see all of you next time I guess. Thank you for taking time out of your busy, social butterfly days, to read ma little story!<strong>


	3. March 20th

**I'm so sorry about how late this chapter is at getting up! I feel bad cuz there for a while i was uploading fairly regularly, evenn if it's just a couple chapters ., and i know it's been a while for this chapter. I hope you guys aren't mad at me or have given up on this story...O.o But here is the new chapter and I hope you enjoy it bunches.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kendall Schmidt or James Maslow even though they may be hiding out at my place they still won't sell me their souls :I lol**

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><p>March 20th<p>

Things have only seemed to escalate between my parent. Mom is requesting more ad more money from my dad, money hemot certainly doen't 's like she had this notion stuck in her head that he was secretly hiding stashed of money in other banks that he didn't tell her about for the past twenty years. Maybe she is suspicious cuz she feels guilty for her own sins...

I want to bash my head into a board filled with nails when she talks about how her life is jut so much better now and all the stress has been lifted off of her. How selfish can she be to not even realize that just because she doesn't love my dad any more that doesn't mean that I don't love him and it tears me up when she rants about how her life is so much happier without the man she's spent most of her life with.

My whole structure of love has just been completely shattered into pieces. How am i supposed to know what love is, or even believe that love can exist between two people for more than a couple years, when the greatest example I could look to for inspiration can't even keep together? Even more reason not to tell Kendall that I love him, if that's even what these feelings are. For all I know I'm just lusting after him and once the...charm of being with him wears off then all these "feelings" with just disappear.

Best case scenario in telling him I like him would play out so that we'd share some good months, years, whatever and then there would be a break-up that could potentially be an ugly horrible break-up that would leave us to where we couldn't stand to be around each other. And how the hell could a band stay together if two of the four members can't even be in the same room? Or, I can keep doing what I'm doing and keep my secret to myself, wait for it to pass, and then we can stay friends and I won't be the cause for the band breaking up. That scenario definitely sounds a LOT better to me.

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><p><strong>There you go peoples. I know it's supper short, but not all journal entries are short stories! I will definitely try to post up the next chapter soon since this one isn't quite so lengthy. I hope though, that even in it' shortness you still liked the chapter. Please review if you love Kames! hehehe :3<strong>


	4. March 24th

**Hey guys, told you I'd be putting up another chapter soon! Okay so I was thinking about it and with what I have right now it just kinda seems like the story is...dragging out. Like I know in a real journal things don't just go whabam and all but for a story on here I feel like maybe I should pick up the pace with it. I dunno. Anyway go ahead and read this chapter! And if you have any ideas on the dilemma I'm at, please enlighten me!  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, not even a single hair from their perfectly trimmed head :P**

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><p>March 24th<p>

Well, we wrapped recording for our next C.D. so things are pretty calm and lazy now which is nice because the lazy down days are just what I need to take my mind off of everything and put my mood in a better place. The guys have been talking about hitting the beach and nothing sounds better to me than laying around, soaking some warm sun rays up and watching Kendall's sexy ass splash around in the water...Okay, yeah I'm going to stop that thought right now before I let myself get too deep into it and get into some serious trouble.

The days haven't been too bad lately. The guys have been keeping me distracted, without realizing it of course since they don't know anything is wrong. And I'm super glad because with the new found free time I need something to keep my mind from drowning in the details of the whole divorce thing. Because if there is anything that can go wrong during free time, it's your mind wondering to those stupid things you wish it wouldn't!

What's really strange is that when I first heard the news that they were divorcing, I didn't really care. I mean, yeah it hurt, but it felt some fact that I'd just learned. Like when the towers were attacked, people were sad but it was something that you learned about and then continued going on with your life, adjusting here and there to the change.

But now the whole thing makes me practically sick to my stomach. My appetite is lower than ever and I think I've lost some weight. The guys think it's just one of my "fat crisis" so they keep telling me to eat. They say things like "You're not fat, now start eating again James or we'll force it down!" or "How can you think your fat when you've got washboard abs?". It gets a little annoying and on some days, the bad ones, I just feel like yelling at them to shut up because they don't even know what they're talking about. But on the other hand, I'm glad they're drawing their own conclusions and not asking me tons of questions about what's wrong. That saves me from making up another series of lies. Thank god for my egotistical act I put on all the time.

It's easy for them to think I'm just fretting over my looks and body when I constantly fidget with my hair or I'm checking myself in the mirror. There was a time when I really was that egotistical actually. Not too long after we got signed with Gustavo I started playing myself up in my head thinking I was going to be this big sexy boy in a band. But some how I found myself again which is a good thing because egos kill 99% of bands, it's true I read it in a magazine.

Anyway, my exercise routine however has rapidly increased. Seems like every free moment I get away from doing silly stuff with the guys I'm doing some kind of toning or cardio. It's like my therapy in a weird sort of way. Is that weird? I just feel better after I exhaust myself through physical labor. Ha, that's what she said. I love real active days cuz all the running around keeps my mind busy and makes me so tired I sleep through the night.

I'm still having the occasional Kendall dreams. At least the only ones I remember during the breif times I sleep are of him. The rest is nothing but a solid black space which given what it could be, I think I'll take the blackness. Sometimes, again on bad days, I just want to lay down and crawl into that dark space...or get forever stuck in a dream with Kendall. It's so peaceful there. Although with the way my life's been going lately even that could some how turn into a nightmare.

There's an impossible thought, Kendall in a nightmare...

Ugh, I got an e-mail from mom a few minutes ago saying that since I've got the spare time she wants me to try to go out there and visit her. I secretly added and dad when I read it, but of course she wasn't going to say anything about me going up to his house. I really don't want to go though because things between them have only escalated and I really would just rather ignore them completely. I still haven't gotten a call from my dad since the first one when I got his side of the whole fight. I have no clue how he'd dealing with all of this or what he's been up to or anything. On the other side mom is pretty much smothering me! I swear she calls at least once a day and I usually wind up ignoring her calls more often. I don't even really listen to the voice mails she leaves because I can't stand to hear the disgusting happiness drip in every word she says.

I can't stand to hear her recalling the past with my father because she makes it sound like she was some poor miserable abuse victim. And while I know that sometimes my dad gets a little aggressive when he get utterly peed off but he never took his anger out on a person, only on inanimate objects like slamming a cabinet. I don't know the way the relationship was once I moved out here with the guys but she had life really good with him. He bowed down at her feet and gave her everything she wanted just to try to get her to smile. And she absolutely knew it and took advantage of it every time she possibly could too. Now looking back I can see how many times she took advantage of that love. She had him wrapped around her slimy little finger.

I noticed a lot of faults, mostly with my mother, when I look back on my childhood now. It's amazing how distorted things are when your young and innocent! Take for instance their fights they would get into, it seems as though they almost always started because of mom bitching about something completely insignificant. She's extremely manipulative and whenever I overhear her talking to her church friends about a fight she had with dad she would twist or place words to make herself sound like Little Red Riding Hood and dad like the big bad wolf.

Oh, she reveled in the attention too! I swear she got off every time she heard someone say you poor thing and she loved the drama she got with every story she wove to entertain her little stuck up friends. She's turned her life into one of those soaps that I'd always see her watching religiously. But I just wanna say this to her: I'm sorry mom, but this is the real world and if you keep on your destructive path the only thing you'll end up being is a lonely, bitter, old hag. (Not that she's not too far from it already.)

Ugh, I need to stop talking about this right now. The bile is steadily rising in my throat and my control over my urge to just destroy something or punch something is slipping away with every second I spend thinking about this. So, I guess I'm going to go work out probably and then take my shower.

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><p><strong>Well, there you go guys. Hope that makes up for the shorter one I posted before this. , I didn't realize just how short it actually was until I uploaded it. But like I said, at least I think I said, not all journal entrees are long. This was actually two different ones but the first one was too short so I decided to combine them. Plus it goes with the whole "am I dragging this story out to much" qualm that I'm having right now. So please review with your input!<strong>


	5. April 11th

**Hello there everyone! You are going to love this chapter because it will be why the story is rated M! bwahahahahah :) I know that my one friend loved it but she can't remember reading it, now I know what she really thinks of this story! T.T jk jk but anyway...Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, James, or Kendall or anyone else...unfortunately ~heavy sigh~**

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><p>April 11th<p>

Holy whore wagons I cannot focus today! I had possibly the most amazing dream ever last night! It was better than every single other dream I've ever had and it felt so real which saddened me a little bit when I woke up because it was just me, alone in my bed.

But anyway, the dream: I was sitting on the big orange couch getting ready to take a nice afternoon nap after a long and tiring rehearsal. The guys had just left to go down to the pool to cool off. It was maybe two minutes after they left and I had sat down to take my nap when I heard the front door open up and click shut again. Then I heard the lock click which confused me a little bit because I didn't know how the guys were going to get back into the apartment, but I just figured it was Mama K and Katie and they would open it when Carlos, Logan and Kendall were done swimming-so I decided not to even get up.

A few seconds later, however, I felt a gentle pressure against my lips, which defiantly made me open my eyes so I could see who was the source of the tender kiss. He looked so sweet with his eyes opened just slightly, but especially more so when he pulled away and saw that I had realized what he'd done, causing him to jump back and blush.

"Oh...you're-you're awake" he stuttered nervously while he fidgeted with his hair.

"Yeah, I hadn't quite fell asleep actually." I could tell he was feeling extremely embarrassed and he really hadn't planned on me finding out about his secret kiss. So to lessen the nerves I leaned forward and took his hand in mine and pulled him closer to me.

"James I-I'm-" he started to mutter out, but I silenced him with another kiss. This one however wasn't as gentle as his, this one was hard and passionate. I tried expressing how long I'd waited for this moment to be with him into that one kiss, just in case I didn't get the chance to share another moment with him like this. When we pulled back for air we both had a slight flush on our cheeks.

"How long?" I asked him. He looked at me with a quizzical stare. "How long have you wanted this?" I elaborated for him.

He seemed to finally pick up on my meaning and after a few minutes of thinking he gave me an answer I've wanted to hear for forever.

"For at least three years now. You?" he shot back raising one of his sexy eyebrows.

"I can't honestly remember a time where I didn't want to hold you in my arms and smother you in kisses."

The look he gave me was a mixture of lust and love dancing in his eyes. He reached up and caressed my cheek, so I pulled him in for yet another kiss, only when I felt his warm tongue brush against my lip an electric tingle shot through my whole body. I parted my lips to let his tongue begin to explore my mouth hungrily.

We both began to breath harder and soon he was on top of me. We were rubbing our bodies together while each kiss grew deeper and deeper and lasted longer until the only time we even thought about stopping was for the few seconds to catch our very shallow breaths. My hand started wandering down to rest on one of his butt cheeks and when I gave it a tiny squeeze he chuckled against my lips.

"James Diamond, if you don't take me right here and right now I just might kill myself." Kendall declared in a serious tone but with a smirk playing on his features after I placed a handful of kisses right next to his ear and down to his neck.

"Oh, you definitely don't have to tell me twice." I said with a husky purr in my voice.

I sat us up and removed my shirt and then slowly took off his shirt. Just seeing his perfectly sculpted body sent another warm wave through out my body. I straddled his lap and began kissing his neck and brushing my tongue along his collar bone.

I heard a soft moan issue from his sweet lips and so I began to let my hands roam across his toned abs up to his nipples. Not too soon after I began playing with them, they were nice and hard.

"James, your torturing me." Kendall moaned out, so finally I got up and unbuttoned his pants. As I slowly drug the zipper down, drawing out every action so that it would only drive him crazier for me, a shot of triumph snaked through my body. There below the tight denim fabric and soft cotton boxers lay Kendall Knight's manhood and it was standing tall because of me and my kisses and my touches.

I swiftly linked my fingers under his boxers and pulled both restrictions down to his ankles. After taking a second to memorize the sight of him laying there like that, I began to pump my hand up and down his length. Every once in a while I'd stop at the top and use my thumb to rub the head. After a few more pumps I leaned forward and took him into my mouth. A deep moan issued from his tender lips and so I began to go up and down even faster. Soon he was twitching from head to toe in sheer, agonizing pleasure.

"James, let me inside of you. Let me return some of the ecstasy." he whispered.

I stood up and he took my pants and boxers off just as I had done to him merely minutes before. He gently laid me down on the couch, stuck a digit in his mouth, and after getting it sufficiently wet he began to work his way into me. Quickly, the second one was in and as he began scissoring me I couldn't help but release a little moan even though it shot pain throughout me as well as pleasure.

"Are you ready? I'm going to do it quickly, kinda like a band-aid you know. I'm sorry for the pain I'm going to put you through.." he trailed off looking a little unsure if he should even continue.

"It's worth it." I purred back. He smiled and then lined his member up with my opening. Looking down at me, my eyes locked with his and I lightly bit down on my lip anticipating the oncoming rush of pain that was soon going to surge through my body. He nodded his head and held onto my hips.

He seemed to remember something and took one hand off my hip to pull out a bottle beside the couch and put some of Mama K's lotion on his shaft. Gently, he pushed in at first, but once the tip was in he thrust the rest of his member all the way into me. An intense pain instantly tightened my chest and I held the couch in a death grip while I gasped for air

Kendall just sat there waiting, making sure not to shift any and hurt me more, for me to give him the okay to continue. Soon the pain died down to a small heat and I finally nodded my head. He began to lightly thrust himself into me and, after another small gasp issued from my mouth, the pain flared up again. But this time it was a lot less than the first initial wave, I could even feel a slight bit of pleasure behind the stinging.

He gradually increased the lengths of the thrust, allowing me to settle into the new found sensation and it wasn't too long until he was doing long, full thrusts. On a particularly deep thrust he hit that special spot in me that shot pure pleasure through me and I felt so light headed and tingly all throughout my body.

"Mmm Kendall." I moaned as I gripped his biceps.

Sensing he had hit the spot, Kendall thrusted just as hard as before over and over again. After about the fourth time he hit my deep secluded point I felt like I was on cloud nine and there was no way I could possibly get any higher. I started bucking my hips and he thrusted faster. I could tell he was getting close and he was working hard to make sure he got me before he released, so while he continued sending shivers through me by thrusting he gathered my shaft in his hands and began to pump it again.

Once he began doing both motions I knew that it wouldn't take too long for me to lose it. He thrusted while I bucked and I felt like I was tipping over the edge. My whole body tensed in euphoria and my seeds spilled out all over his hand and me. Kendall breathed a sigh and let himself finally release, filling me with his warm liquid.

After taking a few deep breaths to collect up a little strength he rolled off of me and we cleaned ourselves up. Refreshed and dressed, we collapsed on the couch just looking at each other. I reached out and tangled a few fingers into his beautiful blonde hair.

And then...I woke up to a messy bed. Again. If only I could have stayed in that dream though. The sex part was great, but I'd give a kidney just to be able to return to sitting there on the couch looking at each other. Seeing the love in his green eyes and knowing that he could see my love for him sent straight back in my hazel eyes.

I love dreams like that because it lets me almost live out what I know I'll never have, but I hate having to wake up from them because besides a mess to clean, my heart is aching like someone just stuck a knife into it. It's a tortuous tease to be able to hold him only in my dreams and fantasies and then when reality settles in I have to see him and realize that that's just what our "relationship" is, an unrealistic fantasy.

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><p><strong>Well there you are ladies (and gentlemen? ~purrs~ ;]), a nice slashy story to fulfill your craving for Kames lovins. Hehehe I hope you thoroughly enjoyed it! I shall be back with another chapter as soon as I possibly can. Thank you for taking the time to read it, now please...REVIEW! ~innocent grin~<strong>


	6. April 20th

**Hey guys! Back for another chapy….hope you all will enjoy this one! If anyone has any type of criticism about my writing or the story or anything please let me know! If not then I'll just keep writing it the way I am and you will be frustrated with it but it's all your fault cuz you didn't tell me. :P**

**Disclaimer: Yes, yes I do own James Diamond, Kendall Knight and all things Big Time Rush….in my alternate world in my mind! :3**

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><p>April 20th<p>

I feel utterly lousy today. Not in a oh-I'm-sick kind of way but a I-feel-disgusting-and gloomy kind of way. I know it's ridiculous but I feel like everything I eat, even if it's only one little freaking grape, feels like five pounds sitting in my stomach making me feel like a giant tub of lard. What's worse is the indecisiveness! I feel like puking it all up (well, what little is there) or working out for hours but I can't find the will to get up off my bed to do anything. I want to do everything but nothing at all in the same breath. I'm snippy whenever someone tries talking to me and then I feel utterly horrible for being such a douche. I feel like I'm wasting a perfectly fine day but I can't figure out what to do with it.

Is this how pregnant women feel? Because if so then I'm so glad I'm not a girl. I got really grumpy with Kendall this morning and after he left the room I cried for about fifteen minutes. They're all giving me my space which only makes me feel worse, like I'm some dark cloud lingering by. I feel like I'm making them watch what they say or do so I don't go into a nonsensical rampage. Basically, I feel like a burden.

I've felt like this before, but never as strongly as I do right now. Maybe I'm bipolar or something. Then I'd probably get kicked out of the band. Who would want to have to worry if their band mate is going to have n episode onstage? Ugh, I feel like I'm just throwing a stupid pity party for myself. Someone needs to just slap me in the face and tell me to get over myself…

I have an English assignment due in a couple days so I've used that as my excuse for locking myself up in the room. Plus that gives them a reason for not bothering me, aside from the moody aspect. Which it's not a whole lie, I do have an assignment but I already finished it the other day because tonight I have to get on the plane to head home to Minnesota to visit with my parents for a week. So I finished it up so that one of the guys could turn it in for me while I'm gone.

I wonder what it feels like to have a mental breakdown…or better yet; what are the warning signs?

_A couple hours later…_

I broke down and cried a few minutes ago. More like sobbed really. I decided to go for a walk, my "cheating" exercise when I don't want to go weight lifting. And about three-fourths the way back I felt it hit me, the crushing feeling of…I dunno what it is exactly. The truth maybe? The stuff I usually block my mind from going near because it's too sore, and it all just popped up because of the stupid song that I happened to be listening to at that moment. It was "Feels Like Tonight" by Daughtry. (You put songs in "" right? I never can remember….)

It made me remember a couple years ago when all of us guy still lived in Minnesota and we were at the homecoming dance. Logan asked BreAnna, the cute girl in my Spanish II class who I was majorly crushing on at the time, to dance with me because I was too scared to ask her myself. After the dance Kendall stayed at my house and helped me demonstrate to my parent s the wonderful dance I'd shared with BreAnna. I remembered Kendall and I breaking into laughter as he pretended to be a girl and my parents smiling at us, at each other. Kendall looked so handsome that night with his hair still slightly damp from dancing in the stuffy gym. I think my heart jumped more in our mock dance then when I danced with BreAnna!

Like I said though, it started with that song and it seemed like every song afterwords only pulled up more memories and pushed away feelings and I had to sprint to make it back to 2J before losing it. I burst into the house and headed straight for mine and Kendall's room. The guys were playing Halo Reach in the living room so after I grabbed clothes I mumbled bout taking a shower as I headed for the bathroom.

Once I shut the door I could feel the tears prickling up. I turned the water on and by the time I got in the tears was pouring down my face. I just sat, balled up on the tub floor crying while the hot water splattered over my face and body. Thankfully I've been known for my vanity o no one thought anything about how long I was taking. It felt so wonderful to finally let everything out.

The shower is the best place to cry. No one will walk in on you, hear you, or notice the tear marks. My eyes must have been slightly red once I got out of the shower because Carlos mentioned that they looked puffy and asked what was wrong. I just said that I had gotten soap in them when I was washing my hair. Sometimes I wish they weren't so easily fooled. But I guess, if I really did want them to see the truth then I'd just tell them in the first place.

But I've got to get going because I still have a few things to pack and I have to leave for my plane ride here in a half hour. I'm nervous to go into the hot zone, but I should be able to handle it. Write you before bed!

_Around 1 a.m.…._

I've just arrived home at Dad's. I'm staying here since mom's apartment doesn't have a spare bedroom. It's weird how the whole house has changed except my room. Mom's been getting things from the house, dad's been rearranging thing so that mom's stuff is in the entrance for her to get, but my room is exactly the way I left it. It's hard for me to remember the divorce when I step in here because it's….untouched. It's like going back in time really.

I like being and Dad's because he doesn't pry. I do my thing and he does his and same things we do together. It's nice to see him though, and I can see the small signs that he's struggling. Like the five o'clock shadow, Dad always hated having facial hair-even stubble- and under his eyes are slightly darker.

I went to supper with mom when I got off the plane. Ugh, being with her was just as torturous as I imagined. The minute I got to her in the airport she was smothering me. She bounced around the tiny apartment showing me her new home and raved about how great it was living there. I instantly learned not to mention dad what-so-ever, not even small cute stories, because she managed to use it to make him look bad.

I told her about how he didn't have any conditioner (not uncommon for a man with a buzz cut) and she used it to make him sound like he was so lost in self-pity that he couldn't even get the essentials. Lesson Learned! I definitely won't bring up mom around dad, unless I'm letting him know I'm going over there.

I felt bad telling him, I felt like he was thinking that I would leave him just like she did and guilt ran through me. But I decided not to play favorites, as best I can, and to divide my time fairly even between the two but the sadness on dad's face when I left hurt badly. I can't believe I've stuck myself up here for a whole week. I could always call Mamma Knight, have her pick me up early, but then there would be a bunch of questions I don't want to answer or more likely lie about.

But back to my supper with mom…she dropped some major news on me and it's kinda got me freaking out majorly. She told me that with divorce and alimony and all that crap that neither one of them is going to be able to afford to keep me in California so I'm going to have to move home again. And seeing as to how I'm not 18 yet I can't tap into my bank account that's got the money from all the band profits so I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm in a terrible place that seems like either way I'm going to have to explain to the guys and Katie or Mamma Knight what is going on. And knowing them they're going to offer to pay for me to stay and then I'd feel like a free-loading lazy friend. I've thought about getting a job on the side to help cover costs, maybe talk to Griffin or Kelly about the situation and work out some payment plan. I wish I didn't have to tell anyone about it but I'm kind of being forced to explain it to someone. I'll probably go to Griffin first, he's not all emotional and I won't have to worry about him bringing it up around the guys or Gustavo.

My stomach is turning with acid again from all the stress…and it hasn't even been a full day! I'm supposed to spend all day tomorrow with mom and she wants to take me around to meet with a bunch of her church friends including Dina and her son Thomas. I used to be friends with him when I was younger but then we became enemies, for no reason really except the fact that he became an annoying whiner about everything. It's been years since I've seen either one of them and I'm nervous but excited because I get to kind of gloat a little in his face. Last time he saw me I was still chunky and extremely awkward.

I actually spent about two hours trying to figure out what I was going to wear tomorrow for our lunch date. It was extremely comforting, something that I did even before the divorce, something normal. Plus it took my mind off of everything of course. What's that saying; empty hands make for the devil's playground? I dunno, something like that.

I wish Kendall were here with me. It'd be so much easier to get through if I could come to bed and fall asleep listening to the light and even breathing beside me that I've become extremely used to hearing.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so I've finally started picking it up a little and getting into one of the big plots of this story. To anyone who's still reading this thing, thank you! Lol I've caught up with what I had already had wrote out for this story so it may take me a while to update cuz I'm all out of pre-thought out plot line…_ I swear this story has a really good twist at the end if you guys can just stick with me long enough. Whenever I start to drag it out or whatever just give me a cyber-butt kicking and tell me to kick it back in to gear! I swear I'll take no offense to it what so ever. :) Farewell my fellow Kames lovers….until the next installment! ~flies off into the sunset~ hehe<strong>


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